2015, up until recently, has been kicking my ass. Like, I absolutely loathe when people at the end of the year put up a Facebook status and say:
But... this is kind of how I've been feeling? It is partially down to: a) being back in Aberdeen b) none of my friends being in Aberdeen c) living with my parents in Aberdeen d) having no money and nowhere to go in Aberdeen. Also it is not-so-partially down to my own thoughts which have been whirling (whirling, I say!!!) round my head like dementors. Can't say for sure what these thoughts have been exactly, but mostly they just consisted of "WHAT'S GOING ON???? WHY?????" so that's that. Looking at it now, it's not 2015's fault, because 2015 has literally done nothing to me, I've done this all to myself. Nevermind. I'm working my way up and out of it.
I'm based at a wee cafe, where I'm constantly subjected to the Ghosts of Albyn Past, which is 110% weird, especially since 4 out of 5 teachers who have come in have not recognised me at all (it's like... one of them I had one-on-one tuition with for a year???? hello???? remember ME???) The staff at this wee cafe (are we going to give it the nickname Wee Cafe? Yes, I think we are) are totally sweet and friendly, which has been one of the main saving graces of my predicament (stares out through my barred window and tethers another handwritten letter to my post owl).
There's been one person I've worked with in particular who's left an impression on me. When I say impression, I mean I've written and recorded a song about him, which is only a privilege only a few get to experience (and never know about, because I'm not going to give you a who's-who of my music... yet! One day I will be rich and famous enough to host a big concert and fly every dude featured in my songs and make them stand on stage, radiating embarrassment as I sing each of them their intended ballads. And some people have waaaaaayyy more songs than others).
Anyway! Back to the story. This guy was Dutch, so lets call him Pieter. Pieter was this tall, blue-eyed, tattooed, muscular (the adjectives go on, and on, and on...) guy who was literally one of the most flirty and good-natured people I've ever had the pleasure of working with. He was always joking, always laughing, and over the past few weeks, him and I built up quite a bit of a rapport and banter. For example, I'd be scooping ice-cream and he would lean against the freezer, arms folded, teasingly saying, "don't forget to smile for the customers," which would have my face split with an embarrassed grin. Sometimes at the till I would be trying to write something down and he'd be beside me, asking me if he was a distraction. Every time we talked, I swear my eyes would get ten times wider, and I could see my thrill reflected in his own face, as we both giggled and exchanged quips. I'm pretty sure my co-workers could tell that I'd become enchanted, and who could blame me? Every regular customer who knew Pieter was just as excited to see him as I was. His flirty nature translated to every other person in the Wee Cafe, meaning my secret joys at his attention were perhaps only one-sided, but still, it felt nice.
He was also a good deal of years older than me, and had a serious girlfriend. One day, as we were talking, he told me he had a secret: would I like to know it? Of course I did. He took out his phone, and showed me a black and white picture of something that looked like a jellybean in outer space. It was a baby (not a jellybean in outer space, which to be honest would have been much more intriguing, but perhaps less exciting). I was thrilled for him, but there was also this weirdness that crept through me. This was the first person I actually knew on a personal level who was having a freaking baby. And I fancied him? And he was going to be a DAD. It was amazing, but weird also.
The jellybean meant that I was safe, and he was safe. I was quite happy to flirt at work and look forward to my shifts with him, but there was no complication to it. The only pain I ever felt was when he handed in his two weeks' notice, and left the Wee Cafe for a job downtown. I probably wouldn't have been so downhearted if he wasn't one of the main reasons I was excited to wake up and get to work - I loved my Pieter days, and in a place as grey as Aberdeen, I didn't have much to look forward to on a day-to-day basis. Maybe it was because of this small sadness that I wrote a song, but it's not a sad song, thank god. In fact, it's sort of explosive and exciting.
Cause you got another baby / And she got your baby!
Anyway, it's been a while since I've written, and have completely forgotten to tell you about my trip to London about a month ago! I totally should have told you guys about that. I went down and stayed with my pal Harriet for a long weekend and it was so much fun. We rode bicycles through Hyde Park, went out dancing on the night before Valentines, drank sangria and spent waaaaay too much time perusing through Tinder. I actually recorded our conversations and made it into a little video:
Coming back from London, having spent time in a buzzing city around people who had real apartments and careers and were in the process of achieving the lives they wanted to live... I felt really down. I was spending my time sitting in Aberdeen, with no real way of seeing ahead to Canada, or to anywhere else really. Everything seemed impossibly distant and obscure. It was a tough couple of weeks following that, but slowly I managed to put myself on a path that had some sort of direction. Talking to people helped.
If I had one wish for the rest of 2015, it would be to talk to people more, and in particular, connect with creative people more. I remember in school and university how much easier it was to develop ideas and plans when you had other, like-minded people to bounce your ideas off of. That's what I want for my music. I want people to collaborate with and work with and approach for constructive criticism. I am now officially putting this intention out into the Universe, via Blogspot.com.
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